Perfectionism is Bad for Your Mental Health!

Definition of Perfectionism

According to health.com, perfectionism is the tendency to demand for an extremely high or even flawless level of performance from others or from oneself, in excess of what is required by the situation. And according to psychology today.com, perfectionism is a trait that makes life an endless report card on accomplishments or looks.

Types of Perfectionists

According to the author of Overcoming Perfectionism, there are two types of perfectionists, namely, overt perfectionist and covert perfectionist. 

1. Overt Perfectionist

According to the author, an overt perfectionist may be born with a preference for order. They tend to have increased anxiety when there's no order around them. They are motivated internally by their personal standards and externally by the way others see them. They tend to be opinionated and like to be right. They may take things they're good at to extremes. They may appear to be arrogant or judgemental. They tend to avoid a task or an activity that they can't do very well or understand. They're afraid of failures. They often have a parent with the same inclination. They may demand or require their partner and/or children to keep order. They are hard on themselves and may be harder on others. (Pg. 49 to 51) 

 

 

2. Covert Perfectionist

 

A covert perfectionist, on the other hand, may have exceptional gifts and abilities that they're reluctant to pursue. They've low expectations of those around them but have high expectations of themselves. They prefer to be under the radar but secretly want to succeed. They underachieve to avoid the pressure to succeed or to avoid competition with those who are better, because they fear both failure and success. They're inconsistent in their achievements and in keeping order. They're prone to procrastination because they want to do things right. They worry about what others think of them. They tend to try to find the right opinion or the right thing to say to avoid making a mistake.  They may exhibit overt perfectionism when they excel at or enjoy a task or an activity. (Pg. 51 to 53)

 

 

According to thehealthy.com, there are three types of perfectionists, namely, the socially prescribed perfectionist, the other-oriented perfectionist and the self-oriented perfectionist.

3. The Socially Prescribed Perfectionist

The socially-prescribed perfectionist believes that others demand flawlessness from them. And that compels them to desperately aim for perfection. They fear that anything less than perfection will result in rejection by others or negative judgement from others.

 

According to https://www.psychologytoday.com, a socially prescribed perfectionist is very self-critical. And they feel an immense pressure to be the best because they worry that others will reject them if they're not.

4. The Other-Oriented Perfectionist

The other-oriented perfectionist demands perfection from others. And when the latter fall short of their expectations, they become overly critical. Their perfectionistic trait is often rooted in feelings of discontentment and insecurity.

Research from the Journal of Psycholopathology and Behavioral Assessment has shown that an other-oriented perfectionist has a limited ability to form nurturing bonds with others. They tend to have a limited ability to develop intimacy with others.

5. The Self-Oriented Perfectionist

 

According to https://www.psychologytoday.com, a self-oriented perfectionist is organised and conscientious.  And they tend to be overly critical of the mistakes they make. Additionally, they struggle to let go of work that doesn't meet their high standards.

 

Unlike the other-oriented perfectionist, the self-oriented perfectionist demands perfection from themselves. And they tend to have a great appetite for success, which may lead them to set impossibly high standards for themselves.

 

Healthy Perfectionism vs Unhealthy Perfectionism

According to samhealth.org, perfectionism can be healthy or unhealthy. So what are the attributes of healthy perfectionism and unhealthy perfectionism?

Common Attributes of Healthy Perfectionism

A person with a healthy sense of perfectionism:

 

1. Sets realistic goals and works to achieve them,

2. Learns from their mistakes and tries again,

3. Is comfortable with the demands of achievement,

4. Works to maintain order and organisation,

5. Focuses on solving problems, and

6. Plans ahead.

Common Attributes of Unhealthy Perfectionism

A person with an unhealthy sense of perfectionism:

1. Works hard to achieve goals even if they're unrealistic,

2. Has difficulties completing projects,

3. Is critical of their efforts or the efforts of others,

4. Is never satisfied with their successes,

5. Feels that work only counts if it's completed perfectly,

6. Has difficulty making decisions because of fear of failure,

7. Feels increased pressure after each achievement,

8. Hides failures from friends or family, and

9. Keeps revisiting old mistakes.

Why is Perfectionism Bad for Your Mental Health?

A healthy dose of perfectionism can be self-motivating. It can drive you to achieve success and overcome adversity. On the other hand, an unhealthy dose of perfectionism can be a fast and enduring track to unhappiness.   

According to medicalnewstoday.com, chasing after perfection may seriously harm one's mental health - which is certainly possible - as perfectionism "is associated with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and other mental health problems".

 

I wasn't born a perfectionist. Maybe I did inherit my dad's perfectionistic traits, but I don't remember exhibiting any of the traits when I was a kid. On hindsight, I think I became a perfectionist more than ten years ago. Or should I say it was then that my perfectionistic traits became pronounced? And over the years, I'd noticed that I'd unusually high levels of anxiety and stress. So I'd say that perfectionism is indeed bad for one's mental health over time. 

Incidentally, I must say that I no longer have high levels of anxiety and stress ever since I started working on healing myself last year. I still have anxiety and stress issues but they're now manageable.

8 Ways to Manage or Overcome Perfectionism

Perfectionism can be a difficult trait to deal with as it often leads to stress, anxiety, and feelings of inadequacy. And it can't be willed away just by admitting that you're struggling with it. Looking deeper is necessary for permanent change. (Pg. 54, Overcoming Perfectionism)

Are your parents perfectionists? Are there people in your life who've placed high demands on themselves and/or on you? When did you start noticing that you were struggling with perfectionism? Did something trigger it? These are some of the questions that you might want to ask yourself.

The following are some of the things that might be helpful to you as you learn to manage or overcome your perfectionism:

1. Recognise That Perfectionism isn't Always Helpful

While striving for excellence can be a good thing, it's important to recognise that perfectionism can often be counterproductive. Perfectionists may spend an excessive amount of time on tasks, leading to burnout or missed opportunities. 

For many years, I've always strived for perfection. Not in every area of my life, of course. But there's one specific area where I've always strived to be perfect, and that's in the area of writing. And because I keep fussing over it, I've always spent an excessive amount of time on it, which I recognise is such an unnecessary waste of precious time. It's certainly not helpful too; because besides slowing me down, it also makes me feel stressed. That's why I've been making a conscious effort not to spend too much time writing since a couple of months ago.

2. Seek Support 

If perfectionism is causing you significant distress, it may be helpful to seek support from a therapist or counsellor. They can help you develop strategies for managing your perfectionism and improving your overall wellbeing. Alternatively, you might want to reach out to someone in your circle of friends to get the emotional support that you need. 

Everyone needs (emotional) support from others from time to time, especially since no man is an island. It's something that's inevitable. So it's perfectly fine to reach out and get the support you need whenever you need it.  

3. Celebrate Your Progress

It's important to celebrate your progress, no matter how small or insignificant. This is especially so for perfectionists, because perfectionists tend to overlook their progress and focus on their failures and imperfections instead. 

 

Whether you're going to celebrate your progress alone or with a group of friends, it's important to celebrate it. You can celebrate it by buying yourself a nice gift that you've been wanting for a long time. Or you can celebrate it by having a good meal with your friends. There are myriad ways to celebrate your progress. Just make sure you celebrate it.

4. Practise Self-Compassion

 

Instead of being overly critical of yourself, try to show yourself the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. Recognise that everyone makes mistakes. And so when you make a mistake, just take it as an opportunity for growth and learning. Moreover, no matter how much you try to be perfect or try to do everything perfectly, it's just impossible. In short, don't be too hard on yourself.

 

For a long time, I've always been too hard on myself. And I've always been overly critical of myself, especially whenever I don't live up to my own expectations.  That often leads to emotional burnout. I suppose that's the reason (or the main reason) why I need a lot of 'me time'.

 

5. Change Your Negative Self-Talk

 

Those who wrestle with perfectionism tend to have a critical voice in their heads telling them that they're not good enough, they're not trying hard enough, et cetera. So if you want to overcome perfectionism, you need to work on changing this little voice because perfectionism is often fueled by negative self-talk. 

 

All of us engage in negative self-talk at one point or another. But if you're constantly engaging in negative self-talk, then it's time to say "no" because it's harmful to your mental wellbeing. So how do you put a stop? According to https://health.clevelandclinic.org, you could try neutral thinking, which basically means taking your thoughts from extremely negative to a more balanced version of what you're thinking.

 

 

6. Set Realistic Goals

If you're a perfectionist, you'd probably know that you tend to set unrealistic goals for yourself. According to https://goalengineer.com, unrealistic goals are  ambitions or dreams that focus too much on what’s wanted or hoped for rather than what’s actually possible. As an example, let's say I want to finish writing a 40,000-word non-fiction book within a week. Realistically, that's not possible because I'd need to do a lot of research which is time-consuming.

So instead of setting unrealistic goals, why not set goals that are challenging but yet achievable at the same time? This can help you focus your efforts and avoid the feeling of overwhelm that can come with perfectionism. Moreover, by setting realistic goals, it's more unlikely that you'd give up halfway. Of course, as much as I'm telling you this, it also serves as a reminder to myself.

7. Identify Your Point of Diminishing Returns

Typically, productivity quickly grows at the start of any activity you engage in. It then reaches a point where it begins to wane. This is the point of diminishing returns. At this point, your output starts to slow down and then decline, and so to carry on would no longer make any sense because the gains will be negligible. By determining your point of diminishing returns, you can focus your efforts where they matter most, thereby reducing the tendency to strive for perfection. In short, beware of diminishing returns that come from trying to perfect every little thing.

I used to stretch myself beyond the point of diminishing returns. Because to me, if I didn't stretch myself, I'd see it as I didn't try hard enough. So I'd just keep pushing myself even when I knew that I needed a good break. Now I've learnt to take breaks when I need them. Instead of achieving less, I'm actually getting more things done with less time.

 

8. Aim for Good Enough

Since no one is perfect, we should therefore aim for good enough which is achievable, compared to perfection which is impossible. Start by asking yourself what "good enough" looks like, and then aim for that. As you do so, it gives you the space to enjoy what you're doing. Moreover, it gives you a chance to have a kinder dialogue with yourself. Furthermore, you're more likely to beat procrastination when you're just aiming for good enough. Because if you're a perfectionist, you may find it hard to even get started.

As I work on overcoming perfectionism, this is something that I've to remind myself often. And who knows, maybe my good enough is seen as really good enough by others?

Conclusion

Attempting to obtain perfection in all aspects of our existence is an exercise in futility, because no one can ever attain perfection in this imperfect world. So why give yourself unnecessary stress by trying to be perfect or trying to do everything perfectly? 

 

Lately, I've been learning to be kinder to myself; I try not to be critical of myself when I don't measure up to my own standards. If you're like me, will you learn to be kinder to yourself?

Cheers, 

Annie Chan

(P/s: My next blog post will be published on 30 Jul 2023. Please subscribe to my YouTube channel here: Annie's Music Everywhere. Thanks!:))

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