Are You a Control Freak?

Introduction 

I've known control freaks all my life and so I'd say that I'm well-acquainted with the inner workings of a control freak's mind.

Based on my dealings with control freaks and my observations, I'd say that control freaks tend not to act unless they're 100% certain of the outcome of a given situation. Why? Well, it's because they lack a sense of inner security. (https://psychologenie.com/what-causes-controlling-personality) So they'll try to avoid taking risks at all costs. In other words, they tend to be risk-averse. That's why they're unlikely to act if they're not sure of the outcome. 

Control freaks tend to be bullies, but bullies may not be control freaks. I'm saying this based on my personal experiences. Control freaks may bully others in covert or overt ways. And in both cases, they tend not to feel guilty about their bullying ways. Again, this is based on my experiences with control freaks who are bullies in my life.

Definition of Control Freak

A control freak, in my opinion, is someone who tries to exert control over others to the extent that it causes them to feel distressed and fearful.

A control freak is someone who has an obsessive need to exert control over other people and situations. Such a person tends to be excessively controlling or domineering. (https://www.wordnik.com/words/control%20freak)

According to https://en.wikipedia.org a control freak tends to have a psychological need to be in charge of things and people, and even circumstances that can't be controlled.(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Control_freak)

Signs of a Control Freak

A Control Freak is Obsessed with Order and Control

According to https://www.grouporttherapy.com, a control freak is obsessed with order and control. They feel the need to manage every single detail, regardless of how trivial it may seem. And when they can't control a particular situation or when things don't go as planned, they tend to get uncomfortable. (https://www.grouporttherapy.com/blog/control-freak)

A Control Freak Has Difficulty in Delegating

A control freak tends to have difficulty in delegating tasks, because they believe that only they're up to the task of completing a job correctly and so they struggle to trust others to meet their standards. (https://www.grouporttherapy.com/blog/control-freak)

A Control Freak is Resistant to Change

I believe that a control freak's resistance to change stems from their insecurity. And therefore they tend to prefer predictable circumstances and are more comfortable in established routines. (https://www.grouporttherapy.com/blog/control-freak)

A Control Freak Wants to Have Complete and Specific Information About You

I know of an extreme control freak, whom I call a total control freak because of the extent he'd go to gain complete and specific information about me. Incidentally, not only does he try to gain such complete and specific information about me, he also tries to exert control in practically all areas of my life! I don't know him personally and thus it makes his controlling ways a lot more scary than those of other control freaks.(https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-anyone-would-want-to-control-you#causes-of-a-controlling-personality)

A Control Freak Wants to Isolate You 

A control freak may try to isolate you so that it's easier for them to control you. (https://www.bolde.com/control-freaks-use-these-manipulative-tactics/) The control freak I've mentioned above has done that to me by getting my siblings and (former) friends to betray me, thereby effectively isolating me (emotionally/socially). 

Thankfully I've grown stronger emotionally through all these betrayals. So even though I'm emotionally/socially isolated, I'm doing fine and I'm perfectly okay with being alone and doing things alone. 

A Control Freak Wants to Plant People in Your Life (https://www.bolde.com/control-freaks-use-these-manipulative-tactics/)

The control freak I've mentioned has been planting people in my life for many years. He's been doing this not only at my former workplaces but also in my family as well as in social settings. Additionally, he's been 'buying over' people who work in stores/shops that I patronise.

For instance, because he's been sending many people to stalk me and spy on me (both online and offline) over many years, he knows exactly where I am at any given moment. So when I joined members of a particular political party on their walkabouts as a volunteer years ago, he'd plant some of his people as volunteers to watch what I did and gather information about me!

A Control Freak is a Gaslighter

Gaslighting is defined as "psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to...dependency on the perpetrator". (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/some-assembly-required/202308/what-exactly-is-gaslighting-and-why-do-people-do-it)

According to https://www.mindbodygreen.com, a control freak  may engage in  gaslighting in order to manipulate others. The core of gaslighting is not just about self-preservation but also about maintaining power/control, because gaslighters are primarily motivated by the desire to control.  (https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/signs-of-controlling-person, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/some-assembly-required/202308/what-exactly-is-gaslighting-and-why-do-people-do-it)

A Control Freak Doesn't Respect Your Boundaries

Boundaries serve to protect a person's personal or mental space. They're the physical and emotional limits of appropriate behaviours between people. (https://www.verywellhealth.com/setting-boundaries-5208802)

A control freak sees boundaries as hindrances to their need for control. As such, they've no respect for another person's boundaries. (https://www.verywellhealth.com/controlling-personality-5218251). But yet they expect others to respect their boundaries! I'm saying this based on my observations of control freaks in my life.

Is the Controlling Nature of a Control Freak Inborn?

Are control freaks born to be controlling? In my opinion, our personalities are mainly influenced by our DNA or genetic makeup. In other words, if you're a control freak, your controlling nature is inborn. But of course to say that our DNA is the sole factor that influences our personalities would sound simplistic.  

According to https://www.verywellmind.com, both nature and nurture have a part to play in determining our personalities. In other words, both DNA and environment have an impact on our personalities to some extent. But studies suggest that there's a strong genetic component. (https://www.verywellmind.com/are-personality-traits-caused-by-genes-or-environment-4120707

Whether your controlling nature is inborn or otherwise, I think it's important for you to work on becoming less of a control freak for the sake of your relationships and also for the sake of your overall wellbeing.

Are Control Freaks Mentally Ill?

In my opinion, control freaks are somewhat mentally ill. Of course I'm just kidding. But then again, why would anyone try to control someone else if they're mentally well? Especially for those who try to control practically all areas of another person's life, wouldn't it be right to say that they're mentally ill? Would a normal person try to exert such an extensive control over another person? 

What do the experts say ? According to https://www.medicalnewstoday.com, people with personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder (BPD) and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are more likely to exhibit controlling behaviours. (https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/controlling-people#causes) And according to https://my.clevelandclinic.org, personality disorders are mental health conditions that involve long-lasting and disruptive patterns of thinking, behaviour, mood and relating to others.(https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9636-personality-disorders-overview)

So if we're going to define mental health condition as mental illness, then it's not wrong to say that control freaks are mentally ill. But in my opinion, mental health condition isn't exactly the same as mental illness because to me, the former is more broad-based in its definition whereas the latter isn't. 

Can Control Freaks Be Free? 

I believe that control freaks can be free from their controlling ways but they must want to be free. We must recognise that not everyone wants to be free because to some people, it may actually feel more comfortable not to be free. 

Admit You Have Issues with Control

If you're a control freak, how can you be free? According to https://www.wikihow.com, you must admit that you've issues with control. If you don't even think that you've such issues, then you're unlikely to want to change. (https://www.wikihow.com/Become-Less-of-a-Control-Freak) Or if you don't think there's anything wrong with being a control freak, then you'll probably not want to change and be free from your controlling ways.

Recognise and Avoid Your Triggers

One way to help you deal with your need to control is to recognise your triggers and avoid them. Figure out when you're more likely to feel the need to control and then avoid those situations that can set off your triggers. (https://www.wikihow.com/Become-Less-of-a-Control-Freak) 

Find Out the Root Cause

Does your need to control people and situations stem from any unresolved childhood wounds? Are you suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that causes you to grasp for control? Do you have parents who're controlling? (https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-to-let-go-of-need-for-control)

In order to be free from something, you must know the root cause. For instance, let's say you're afraid of the dark. You must know why you're afraid and what causes it. Otherwise, any attempt on your part to be free will probably be futile.

See a Therapist

Not everyone is able to overcome their controlling tendencies on their own. If you can't, I think it's perfectly fine to seek help from a therapist. The therapist can work with you to resolve any underlying issues that lead to your need to control. (https://www.wikihow.com/Become-Less-of-a-Control-Freak)

Conclusion

It may not be easy to let go of control but I think it's important for you to recognise that it's impossible for you to control everyone and everything at all times. Trying to exert such control will only cause you to become miserable over time. And it'll eventually affect your physical and mental health. So if you're a control freak, learn to let go of the need to be in control at all times.

Cheers,

Annie Chan 

(P/s: My next blog post will be published on 7 April 2024. Please subscribe to my YouTube channel here: Annie's Music Everywhere. Thanks!:))